


Sideline

by Free Spirit (Levi_ah)



Category: GOT7
Genre: A little mystery, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, M/M, References to Drugs, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Youngjae and Jinyoung are twins, Yugyeom is the same age as Youngjae and Jinyoung, a lot of it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2019-05-17 19:40:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14837948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Levi_ah/pseuds/Free%20Spirit
Summary: "What happened?Youngjae's head was blank. He couldn't think clearly. The last thing he knew was how he was called with the message that his brother was in the OR and they needed to do an emergency craniotomy to reduce the pressure within his skull."Youngjae was determined to find out what happened to his brother, but was he ready for the truth?[Warning: please read the tags]





	1. Still

 

The monotonous beeping of the machine and a shallow, almost inaudible breath were the only noises Youngjae recognized in the small white room. He looked down at the person in the bed, IV placed in their right forearm supplying the body with sodium chloride solution and antibiotics.

 

_What happened?_

 

Youngjae's head was blank. He couldn't think clearly. The last thing he knew was how he was called with the message that his brother was in the OR and they needed to do an emergency craniotomy to reduce the pressure within his skull. Youngjae rushed out of class getting on the next cab to bring him to the hospital where his brother was situated. It took them 5 hours due to complications, in the meantime a doctor came and tried to inform him on the status of his brother, but he could not listen. He heard nothing. How did his brother get from point A at their breakfast table in the morning to point B in a hospital bed being barely alive?

 

The door opened, an older female doctor made her way inside the room accompanied by two nurses immediately checking the vital signs of his brother.

 

“Mr. Choi Youngjae?”, the doctor asked.

 

Youngjae blinked rapidly, snapping out of his thoughts. He cleared his throat and reached out to shake hands with the doctor.

 

“I'm Dr. Kim. Just to reassure you, the craniotomy was a success. But your brother also has a lot of fractured bones, so we probably need to operate him again tomorrow. Right now though, he needs to stabilize. Has someone informed you what happened?”, the doctor asked carefully.

 

Youngjae opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out, still too shocked from the whole process. So he closed his mouth and just shook his head. The doctor sighed, clearly uncomfortable to break the news to him. She was tired, Youngjae could tell.

 

“Your brother jumped off of an eight-meter-high building, I think we can exclude external force, because-”

 

“He jumped? No, my brother would never try to kill himself.”, Youngjae interrupted her, eyes wide and panting. “He would never do that to me.”, was the only thing he added with clenched teeth, hand in fists.

 

“Listen”, the doctor tried to continue with a calming voice, “I know this is a lot to process, but I just got off the phone with the police, they take these cases really seriously since our suicide rate among young people is so high. The building across the one your brother jumped off had camera footage, where the whole process could be seen. I'm so sorry, but do you know why your brother tried to-?”, the doctor was cut off again.

 

“HE DID NOT TRY TO KILL HIMSELF”, he screamed, now everything came crashing down. The blank feeling from before left and he finally snapped. Tears started rushing down his face, he started to hyperventilate. “HE DID NOT-”, he screamed again, but broke off, a cough creeping its way up his throat, followed by more, until he was a coughing and crying mess. A nurse immediately came and gave me a bag. She put a hand between his shoulder blades, drawing soothing circles trying to calm him down.

 

He opened the bag and breathed in and out and after a while his pulse slowed down.

 

The nurse asked if she should call someone, he shook his head. It was only him and his brother, everybody else was gone. His brother was all he had, the only family left, his other half and now he was on the edge of slipping away. The nurse told him to call for her, if he needed something. After that he was alone.

 

_What did he miss?_

 

One of Jinyoung's friends should know what happened. Hectically he yanked out his phone, just to stop in the middle of the act, realizing he knew none of them. Tears welled up in his eyes. When did they stop talking? When did Youngjae stop caring for his brother's personal life or rather started being to absorbed in his own private matters? Even though Jinyoung was the older of the twins, Youngjae swore himself to be aware, to care for his brother.

 

Ever since their parents chose alcohol over the future of their kids and got into a car drunk and dead by the end of the night, not only causing grief and sorrow for Jinyoung and him, but also for a young mother, who lost her five-year old daughter in the crash. But his brother did have a boyfriend, he just couldn't remember when he had seen Mark the last time.

 

One month back? Two? Four?

 

A slight pain crept up his head, he brought a hand to his temples, massaging both sides. The white and sterile room made his body feel numb, nausea passing through his stomach when he caught a glimpse of the plastic flower on the nightstand next to the bed. Did people really think this artificial _shit_ would make any of the patients or families feel better? Anger and frustration made it to the surface and all he could do was to project it onto something, anything, to make him feel better.

 

He could no longer stay here, at least not left alone with his poisoning thoughts. Striding through the room with big steps, he opened the door and closed it with too much force, leaving a slight bang echoing through the almost empty floor. Then he took a deep breath, exhaling with the same depth. Finally he could feel and breath again. The situation was still the same, but seeing Jinyoung in that state made him almost lose himself and that is not what he needed right now.

 

Phone still in his hand, he dialed the first number coming to his mind. _Pick up, pick up, pick -_

 

“Youngjae? It's 1 am.”, said a muffled voice from the other side of the line.

 

“ _Gyeom_ ”, it was not more than a breath which had Yugyeom's senses wake up instantly.

 

“What's wrong? Youngjae, where are you? Are you okay? Answer me now!”

 

Youngjae heard shuffling. “I'm in the hospital-” He was cut off by a gasp. “But it's not about me, I'm physically fine. Please come fast. I need someone here.” He told Yugyeom the hospital and room number. Sighing he went to the nurse station and asked for the venting machine.

There was no possibility he could go in there again without a coffee and Yugyeom by his side, otherwise he would black out.

  
A venting machine was near the end of the floor. The double shot espresso was pure gold, letting his body come back to life. Only to warm him up, he got himself a cacao as well. Just when he was about to head back, an almost inaudible sob was heard. Not wanting to intrude someone's personal moment, he carefully looked around the corner. A boy his age sat there, pressing palms against his eyes, which didn't stop the tears from flowing all over his face.

 

Maybe it was Youngjae's own unstable emotionality due to the events of the day, but if he could at least help one person today not drown in their inner demons, then so be it. Quietly as not to scare the person, he sat down in front of the boy.

  
“Hey”, he said softly. A gasp came from the boy. “I don't want to disturb you and I certainly didn't want to invade your privacy, but you seemed like you need a cacao.” With that, he held the cup in front of him, offering it to the other boy. The ruby haired boy still looked like he had seen a ghost, but after a few seconds he reached for the cup with a smile playing around the corner of his mouth. “Thanks”, barely more than a whisper was all the boy said.

 

They sat there in silence, until the boy cleared his throat. “My mum”, he began carefully finding Youngjae's eyes who just gave a small nod, signaling him to continue. “She was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer and it doesn't look good.” All Youngjae could do was take the boy's hand and squeeze it slightly. The act was way to intimate for strangers, who knew each other for mere minutes. But he cold see the frowning face of the boy ease a little, feeling the pressure being returned. As he was about to answer, a voice called out to them.

 

“There you are!” Yugyeom was moving towards them. Youngjae lifted a hand, motioning him to stop. His fingers were still intertwined with the persons' next to him. “I hope your mum will get better soon, but crying out here will benefit none of you.” Harsh words, as he realized, he was more talking to himself instead of the boy. He felt bad, but he continued, “you can cry, but do it together with your mum. You don't need to be strong for her, be strong with her together. All your mum needs right now is someone who is there. She needs _you._ ” Squeezing the hand once more before he withdrew his own. They gazed at each other for a moment, until the ruby haired boy got onto his feet and smiled at him. It was a sad smile.

 

“Thank you, I needed that.”, was all the boy said, then he walked away.

 

For a moment he could forget why he was in the hospital and what happened to his twin, but as he looked at Yugyeom the reality came crashing back down. On top of that tears dwelt up again. He quickly stood up and went to Yugyeom. “What was that?”, Yugyeom asked.

 

“It doesn't matter. What matters now, is you grounding me. I can't go in there alone again. He looks so fragile, on the border of death, I just can't, I can't -” “Calm down, and tell me what the fuck is wrong. Why did you call me anyway, where is Jinyoung?” At the mentioning of his twin's name a new wave of sobs ripped from his mouth. “Oh my god, what happened to Jinyoung?”, Yugyeom's eyes went big. “Choi Youngjae, tell me now what is going on!”

 

“He tried to kill himself.” Then it seemed time froze. And Yugyeom right with it. One could see wheels working behind Yugyeom's forehead, trying to reach a satisfactory answer to the whole mess. There was none. Youngjae could have told him. “I want to see him”, Yugyeom whispered.

Taking his hand, Youngjae turned to the door, slowly breathing in and out as to calm down, before he finally opened the door.

 

They stepped in and Youngjae immediately wanted to turn around again and run, but Yugyeom stand firmly holding him by his side. ”You can't run. He needs you.”, was all Yugyeom said, then pulled him to the chairs in the room.

 

But one sight, let him pull his hand away roughly and speed to the bathroom adjacent to the hospital room. All that was heard was the peng of the toilet lid being shoved up, followed by awful gagging. When Youngjae was left with nothing, but the bitter taste of bile, he flushed the toilet and went to rinse his mouth. Returning to the room, he locked eyes with Yugyeom.

 

“What did the doctor say?” Yugyeom's hand lay on Jinyoung's. Youngjae told Yugyeom what he remembered. “But we better talk to her again. I missed half of what she said and I think she didn't even tell me everything because I was so out of it. Yugyeom-” he hesitated, “is it my fault? I shouldn't have gone to the other university, we should have attended the same. I shouldn't have moved to the campus dorms, I should have lived with him. If I would have gone to the same place, he would not be in this condition. He would not be half dead, he would be okay.”

 

Yugyeom looked at him quietly. Then a long sigh left his mouth.

 

“Youngjae”, he started, “you won't know, if any of this is true. You meet up all the time, if something was so bad that it led to this decision, you could have most likely not seen it coming.” “BUT-”, Youngjae started again. “But nothing.”, Yugyeom interrupted, “ if it was this bad, he could have come to you or me. Just because you don't go to the same university and don't live together anymore, doesn't mean he could not have trusted you. You are his everything, I know that and I know, he is yours. And thinking about what had gone wrong will not ease your pain, it will just fuel it. There has to be more to the story. And both of us need to focus on him being still alive and breathing. We cannot let him down again. First of all let's talk to the Doctor. “

 

One last look at Jinyoung and the two boys headed to the nurse station. They asked if Dr. Kim could be called out and after five more minutes, the female doctor appeared in front of them.

 

“Mr. Choi, is everything all right with Jinyoung's condition? How may I help you?” Youngjae frowned at the phrase _all right._ No nothing was alright, but she probably meant, if it worsened.

 

“He is still the same. I wanted to apologize for being so rude earlier.” She put a reassuring hand on his for arm, shaking her head. He went on. “I think I only caught half of Jinyoung's condition and what needs to happen further. Could you tell us all the details.”

 

The doctor looked between Youngjae and Yugyeom and swallowed. “This will not be easy. So we should sit down. “ As soon as they sat at a quiet place, she continued. “Like I said the craniotomy went well, but he will not wake up within the next week and we cannot even wait for him to wake up, since he broke multiple bones. Most of them are shallow fractures, but some are very severe. He broke multiple ribs and on his left arm, the ulna bone suffered a compound fracture. That means the bone penetrated the skin.” Youngjae felt his stomach turn and the nausea creeping up again.

 

Yugyeom looked with a strained expression at the doctor. “I didn't see that”

 

“No, we already fixed that, since it is a huge infectious risk. It still is a high risk anyway. It has a long recovery time and with all the other bones broken, we will most likely put him into an artificial coma for at least three weeks depending on his healing process.” Youngjae gasped, grabbing Yugyeom's hand, who held his with the same intensity.

 

“When are you going to operate again?” Youngjae felt the tears on his cheeks, but he didn't care. “I cannot say it for sure since we need to look if his body is strong enough to be put into anesthesia. But we will probably operate in two days or even tomorrow evening.”

 

“Can I sleep here tonight? I don't want him to be alone.” Youngjae stood up. The doctor followed his example. “Mr. Choi, I know this is hard. But this situation will go on for weeks and you need all your strength for what is still going to come. When and I hopefully say when and not if, he wakes up, there will be a long recovery time for his body with a lot of physiotherapy and we don't even know if he suffered from a neurological trauma as well. You need all the strength you have for this. So you need to sleep.”

 

Youngjae knew she was right, he knew, but still. “Only for tonight.”, he pleaded. “Fine, I will tell the nurse. But you need to leave in the morning, when all the check ups are coming up. We can't have someone lingering around the intensive care, for the sake of all the patients.” They shook hands and he thanked her. With a tight smile she went off in the direction of the nurse station.

 

“Do you want to stay as well?” Youngjae looked at Yugyeom questioningly. “If you allow me to.”, Yugyeom answered softly. “Of course, you are family. And I don't want to be alone tonight. And I certainly don't want you to be alone at home as well.” Yugyeom just nodded.

 

They made their way back to Jinyoung's room, where they tried to rearrange the chairs into some more comfortable position. Youngjae didn't want to sleep, didn't want his brother out of his eyes for one second ever again. But he felt that the day made him weak, devouring all the power resources he had. Moments later his eyes went shut and he fell into a listless sleep.

 

Bustling footsteps woke him. Youngjae opened one eye to see where the noise was coming from. It was still dark, that meant he at most slept 2 hours. He tried to localize the source of the noise and found Yugyeom in the middle of the room. Yugyeom, who was deep in thought paced the space up and down. “Gyeom,” his voice was rough from the tears and sleep. “What are you doing?”

 

Yugyeom jerked his head in the direction of Youngjae's head. “I just...I...This whole thing makes no sense. Why would he try to kill himself? Where are his things? I mean we saw him a lot. He always stayed at our place on the weekends, when he didn't have to work. We would have realized if something was utterly wrong. Someone must have done that.”

 

There it was.

 

Youngjae thought, Yugyeom was way to composed for the whole situation. The breakdown had to come eventually. Youngjae told Yugyeom about the camera footage the police found, with no external force being seen. The next day was a Saturday, they were 'lucky'. Otherwise they would have not only had to deal with their university, but also with Jinyoung's. They needed to go to the police station. Youngjae hoped they would let him have a look, he needed to see with his own eyes, or else he would never believe it.

 

“Did you call Mark?” Youngjae's trail of thoughts was interrupted. Youngjae had no idea, he told Yugyeom. He wasn't even sure if they still were a thing. But Mark was one of the main reasons, Jinyoung chose to go to an other university than Youngjae.

 

Mark and Jinyoung were together for almost one and a half years. They were a good fit, Youngjae liked Mark a lot. As far as Youngjae knew Mark came from the States to study in Korea, since there was an excellent Psychology-Program at this one University in Seoul and Mark got a full scholarship. He was overly smart and learned the language in a pre-course three months prior to the start of his actual study course. Since he already completed one year of his program, he was directly positioned in the second year, but he adjusted to the environment really quickly.

 

The first time Mark and Jinyoung met, Mark was 21 and Jinyoung was 19. It was like one of these stupid romantic movies, Youngjae made Jinyoung watch all the time.

 

Since Youngjae, Jinyoung and Yugyeom were in their last year of High School and didn't do any more than study all the time, during New Year they so wanted to just get wasted. Through a mutual friend, who graduated the year before, they knew about the party and decided to attend, before the second term of their last high school year started. Alcohol and void was all of their heads were craving, even just for a while.

 

So as the evening reached its peak, someone shouted to get a partner for the midnight kiss, when everything went down.

 

♣

 

_(“I will just kiss Yugyeom.” Youngjae started to giggle. The alcohol left a nice buzz inside his head. “But who am I supposed to kiss? We cannot kiss him both.” Jinyoung pouted. Youngjae started laughing and in that moment a great idea reached him. He grabbed Jinyoung by his shoulders and shoved him towards the couch and with little force down on someone's lap._

 

“ _Here you go. Now you can kiss this one here and I can kiss Yugyeom.” Youngjae was so smashed. The person underneath Jinyoung tried to balance his drink and not pour it over the person above him and himself. Jinyoung turned his head to apologize, when his eyes locked with the person beneath him. And oh boy, has he never seen someone as beautiful._

 

“ _Careful there.” The low voice sent a shiver through Jinyoung's whole body. And if his outer appearance wasn't already appealing as hell, his voice gave Jinyoung the rest. Just as he was about to get up or say anything and not just sit there, mouth agape and plain stare, the countdown went off. His eyes grew wide and it didn't make it better that the boy only sat there, one hand on Jinyoung's back (as Jinyoung realized now) and staring right back at him._

 

_5.._

 

_Jinyoung's hand were sweaty._

 

_4.._

 

_He couldn't think straight_

 

_3.._

 

_Jinyoung cursed his twin brother._

 

_2.._

 

_He needed to get up now or-_

 

_1.._

 

_-or he could be a little bold, if it didn't work out: just blame it on the alcohol!_

 

“ _HAPPY NEW YEAR!!” Frenetic cheers went through the room._

 

_All or nothing. And with that thought Jinyoung leaned forward and placed a soft kiss right next to the corner of the boy's mouth. Daring, but not overstepping to many borders. “Happy New Year.”, he whispered into his ear. When he pulled back, Jinyoung was prepared to see anything. But the beaming which radiated from the boy, was surely not what he expected, surpassing all Jinyoung could have imagined in that very moment. “I'm Mark.” The beaming didn't stop the whole evening._

 

_And even though Youngjae could barely remember anything, that happened the night before. [It was all just a blur.] He took credit for “introducing” Jinyoung and Mark to each other. And two weeks later the two started dating.)_

 

♣

 

“I don't know,Yugyeom. I haven't seen Mark in a while and I can't remember when Jinyoung talked about him the last time.” Yugyeom was confused, but realized he didn't know either. “We should give him a call. I mean, I would want to know, if my boyfriend was in the hospital.” Youngjae pulled out his phone, going through his contacts. As soon as he pushed the call button, he pressed the phone to his ear.

 

“ _The number you have dialed is not in service at this time. This is a recording. The number you hav-.”_

 

“Apparently I don't have his current phone number.” It was no wonder, they exchanged phone numbers in the beginning of Jinyoung's and Mark's relationship, but the never exchanged messages more than Birthday wishes and Christmas greetings. But wouldn't you normally send your new phone number, when you changed them. Unless...unless you didn't want the person to have it. This didn't mean anything good.

 

“Can't you reach out for him through social media?” Youngjae frowned.

 

Mark didn't have facebook nor twitter, but he had instagram and wasn't kakaotalk through ID. He couldn't remember, if he ever followed Mark though, he himself was no social media person. Even though he looked through all his contacts, Mark was nowhere to be found. A disgusting feeling went through his gut. Mark was a really rational person and it just seemed he purposely evaded any contact with people related to Jinyoung. He was going crazy.

 

Who were Mark's friends? How could it be Youngjae never met them? Yugyeom tried his luck as well, but even he didn't get to find a trace of Mark Tuan anywhere on the social media platforms.

 

“Let's just deal with it tomorrow and sleep two or three more hours. “ With one last look at Jinyoung, whose whole sight was unchanged, they tried to go back to sleep.

 

♣


	2. Chocked

They were woken up by a nurse telling them to go now, since ward round was about to start and the head of the department really did not like it, if relatives stayed in intensive care.

 

Youngjae took a look at his watch, it was 6.30 a.m. They didn't sleep more than four hours in total. His neck was stiff and Yugyeom did not look any better. The nurse told them they could come back during the visiting hours, but Jinyoung would most likely be under a lot of tests today, since they wanted to operate him as soon as possible. But only if his body condition could handle it.

 

She reassured them though, getting through the night without any complications was a really good sign for someone in Jinyoung's critical condition. With a kiss placed on Jinyoung's forehead and the promise of being back soon, Youngjae and Yugyeom left the room.

 

The nurse had to promise Youngjae to call him immediately, if his brother's condition changed.

 

“What do we do now?” Yugyeom held the door for Youngjae to step out of the building. The police would not be pleased if two boys, just old enough to drink, would come in demanding to see evidence in one of their cases. And it was only seven. No, that was not an option.

 

“I have a key for Jinyoung's place. Let us go there first. I wanna see if we can find any hint for this obscure situation.” He also wanted to grab some personal stuff, even though Jinyoung wasn't awake, Youngjae wanted good energy to fill his room. Feng Shui really got to him. But it worked, that what mattered. And he so wanted to replace that stupid artificial flower with real ones, but he knew in intensive care there was no way they allowed real flowers, due to risk of infections.

 

They headed to the next station a few meters away from the hospital. Yugyeom motioned to follow him to a bakery. In that moment Youngjae realized how hungry he was. It was a self service shop. Grabbing the biggest Ham and Cheese sandwich he could find, a blueberry muffin and a black coffee, he headed to the cash point. After eating their sandwiches in silence, Youngjae took his muffin and coffee, while Yugyeom took his cacao and they went to get the next train.

 

Jinyoung lived off-campus, he didn't want to room with someone else, especially when Mark came to visit, there should be no one witnessing _that_. Youngjae still blushed as he remembered the statement. Jinyoung was always so full off joy. Though he did look tired the last weeks, but when Youngjae asked, Jinyoung always used midterms or work as an excuse and Youngjae believed it.

 

When they reached the station, the stream of people pressed them outside and they hurried to get to Jinyoung's flat as fast as they could.

 

Jinyoung lived in a nice apartment building, only one block away from his workplace. This being the only reason Youngjae agreed that he worked in a bar, mainly night shifts. But he knew, Jinyoung made good money, so he could not only afford his place, but also pay Youngjae's food supply. Youngjae always told him, he should not take his 2 minutes of being older too seriously. But Jinyoung really loved spoiling him. He smiled sadly as he thought about it.

 

Jinyoung had always taken care of him and here Youngjae was never noticing anything, ignoring apparent signs. He was a failure as a brother.

 

Number 210, on the second floor.

 

He pulled out his keys, knowing exactly which belonged to the apartment. Both of them stepped inside, the moment the door went open. Youngjae thought there would be chaos, fitting the situation. But there wasn't.

 

The whole apartment painted a picture of lifelessness. The living room with the adjacent kitchen seemed like they were taken from a brochure of a real estate agency. The only pictures on the wall were empty frames. Youngjae went into the kitchen. The fridge was almost empty except for two water bottles.   
  
“Youngjae...come here...” Yugyeom's voice sounded off. Following the small corridor, he walked through the bedroom door stopping immediately. This room seemed normal. A small chaos on the desk, an undone bed, ashes in the bin, a photo on his nightstand.

 

Wait, what?

 

Youngjae and Yugyeom went to the garbage can. “Now we definitely know, something was not right.” Youngjae felt slightly relieved, only to feel even worse. He knelt down and looked for anything out of place. His mind started working in full speed. _Who burns something without a reason?_ There had to be something here.

 

“Look everywhere”, he almost shouted, “for.. I don't know, just something.” Yugyeom was driven by the same force as Youngjae. They looked under the bed. Hectically they pulled out the clothes from the closet, ripping them from their hangers. Every pocket would be turned inside out, every pair of socks unfolded, but nothing. They even looked for some kind of secret deposit place, but the closet was clean. As soon as Yugyeom sorted out the papers on the desk, Youngjae placed himself in front of the nightstand.

 

His movements faltered, then he picked up the picture frame. After seeing the frames in the living room being empty, he just assumed this one would be empty as well. But it wasn't.

 

Graduation day. It was one of Youngjae's favorite pictures. It showed him and Jinyoung in the middle, Yugyeom to his right and Mark next to Jinyoung. They all smiled into the camera, except for Mark, who just looked at Jinyoung like he hung the moon and the stars in the sky. Youngjae remembered when he printed the pictures, Mark was lightly embarrassed. But after Jinyoung looked at it, he told Mark that he loved him for the first time. The moment was so intimate.

 

Youngjae still cringed. The close moment between Mark and Jinyoung and... Youngjae, who still sat at the kitchen counter. Without further notice, he just slipped out of the flat, leaving the couple alone. They probably didn't even realize he was still there, but it was fine. Even though it was weird, he was happy too witness such a big milestone in Jinyoung's life.

 

Two arms surrounded him and the happy memory, was just that, a memory. He felt a wet patch pressing to his shoulders. “I want to go back to that point.” Sobs leaving Yugyeom's throat and Youngjae, who tried to fight the tears since he got there, gave in. With Yugyeom's face still buried into the curve of his neck, he brought up his own hands to place his face on them.

 

Like that they sat there, crying out all the pain which was burning inside them, like a consuming fire, nowhere near to be soothed.

 

♦

 

Releasing all the pain bottled up over the last 36 hours helped to focus again. Youngjae started hanging the clothes back inside the closet and sorting the paper on Jinyoung's desk. There was nothing here. They needed to contact Mark, but he was unsure of how to reach him. First of all they should go to the police, to get Jinyoung's stuff back. Just as they were about to leave, Youngjae caught sight of a millimeter of a paper sticking out under the lamp on the desk.

 

He grabbed Yugyeom to stop him from leaving as he reached to lift up the lamp. A quadratic blank piece of paper appeared. Youngjae sighed. He thought he found the missing puzzle piece. When he wanted to put it in the burnt down bin, Yugyeom gasped, snatching the paper and turning it around.   
  
_**TIC TOC!**_

 

Yugyeom turned the paper over and over, but there was nothing but these two words on it. Tic toc, tic toc, tic toc. This could mean anything. But it was obviously about time running out. But when did the time run out? Why was there even a time limit? What the hell did Jinyoung get into? And worst of all why didn't he tell him? He was back to question one. Why? Youngjae needed to go to the police NOW.

 

After he packed a small bag, Youngjae swept out of the room with full force, pulling Yugyeom with him. Only when the apartment door closed, was he able to think again. They had no time for petty feelings here. He hoped to hold it together.

 

“Youngjae, what was that?” Youngjae didn't know. He normally knew everything about Jinyoung's life, but that certainty faded yesterday afternoon. “I can't tell. I have no freaking idea.” Youngjae wanted to punch something so badly. Tic toc? He didn't recognize the handwriting, it was not Jinyoung's, could it be Mark's? He turned around and opened the apartment again. Yugyeom right behind him, questioning him what Youngjae was doing.

 

“Did you see Mark's box? I know Jinyoung keeps everything Mark has ever gotten him over the time in a gray box. I didn't see it, but it has to be there. Look again.”

 

They went through everything again, they even looked inside the fridge, which later on seemed just ridiculous. But nothing was there. Youngjae told Yugyeom, he wanted to check if the 'Tic Toc' was Mark's handwriting, since it didn't seem familiar. But either Jinyoung had been robbed, or he got rid of all of his belongings.

 

“Yugyeom”, the younger's eyes shot up as he was being addressed, “when was the last time you were here?” For a moment, only the agitated shuffling was heard, until Yugyeom breathed in to answer: “It must have been at least one and a half month, if not two. What about you Jae?” It was the same. Youngjae hadn't been here for a while. Midterms and exams holding them up, giving them no time for a visit, since Jinyoung came over all the time anyway. There was simply no need to be here. He shared a room with Yugyeom in the collage dormitory. So it was easier to just have Jinyoung come over.

 

They headed out again, making there way towards the exit of the building. It was 12 p.m., the police should be more willing during this time at least. Youngjae was smart enough to ask the hospital staff which police station had the information about Jinyoung's actions, before they had left in the morning.

 

“Jae,..”, Yugyeom started, “ehm..do you think...Mark and Jinyoung broke up and Jinyoung tried to...you know, because of that?” Youngjae thought. He wanted to tell how ridiculous that sounded, but his perception of Jinyoung and the reality seemed to differ a lot. “I seriously don't know anymore. Let's just go to the police first and see what comes out of that.” Youngjae felt like his mind and body were working in overdrive.

 

His whole world had turned in merely a few hours.

 

♦

 

The midday sun rose up high, when they arrived at the police station. The golden letters of the district were resplendent on a blue background, already giving off an invisible vibe of authority, while statues on the side – friendly, cheery faces – felt almost mocking.

 

Yugyeom held his hand tightly, trying to share their strength, comforting each other. On the way to the station Youngjae had phoned the hospital to check up on his brother's status. But that still hadn't changed much, which the doctor told him was a good sign. But Youngjae couldn't believe her, anything except his brother waking up was not what Youngjae wanted.

 

Youngjae and Yugyeom entered the station and made their way to the reception desk. Just in a short while Youngjae had seen more reception desks than he ever wanted to visit. There was only an old man present in the room, reading the news paper, on the edge of gliding into a shallow slumber.

 

Yugyeom cleared his voice. The man lifted his head and examined the two sleep deprived boys, shuffling unsure on their feet. “Can I help ya'?” The man pulled out a handkerchief and blew his nose into it.

 

“I'm sorry,” Youngjae started, but his voice got stuck in his throat. Yugyeom squeezed his hand once more, before he let go and turned to the police officer. “My name is Kim Yugyeom and this is Choi Youngjae. We are here for the case of Choi Jinyoung.” At that the officer sat up straight and folded his newspaper into half. “You're family of the Choi kid?” Youngjae nodded and the officer stood up with a _wait a second,_ before he slipped through one of the doors.

 

A few minutes later he came back with a man wearing casual jeans, a white bottom up and a black sports coat. He came around the desk and bowed slightly, which Youngjae and Yugyeom followed suit.

 

“My name is detective Kang Chunghee. We wanted to call you this afternoon and ask you to come down here, given the circumstances, we thought you wanted to spent the time otherwise and since the evidence was clear and led to no further investigation, your presence here wasn't as urgent. But won't you follow me and we discuss this somewhere more privat?” Kang Chunghee motioned to one of the rooms in the far end of the corridor.

 

As soon as they sat down in one of the chairs, the detective went outside again to get the explicit papers. Youngjae looked at Yugyeom and Yugyeom returned the look, neither knowing what to say. They waited in silence for the officer to return.

 

The soft squealing of the bottom of sneakers against the floor indicated the return of the detective.

“So first of all. I'm so sorry about what happened to your brother. I'm just happy he survived.” The detective tried to catch Youngjae's eye, but the boy just sat there starring straight onto the table. “And I hope this won't repeat itself. I've seen too many kids giving up their lives because they couldn't stand up to the pressure of the society and -”

 

Youngjae clicked his tongue. “He did not give up.” The detective looked a little helpless trying to paraphrase his usual speech differently. “Right, you would know him best, so, we just need to go through a few more bureaucratic barriers, before I can file this case away.”

 

This was the first time Youngjae looked up. “You are not investigating any further?” He almost screeched, if it wasn't for Yugyeom clutching his arm. “Listen Mr. Choi, I can understand you're upset, but your brother jumped in front of a surveillance camera, there was no one else there on the roof and he even left a letter.”

 

Yugyeom's and Youngjae's face sped up. _What?_ “That's why I wanted to call you to the station in the first place. But maybe you want to be alone for this?” The detectives gaze fell on Yugyeom. “No,” Youngjae answered sternly, “he will stay right here. He is family as well.” Receiving a nod and a shoulder shrug from the detective.

“Your brother was actually lucky,” and before Youngjae could say something to rub the ridiculous wording into the detective's face, Kang Chunghee lifted both his hands. “Listen, before you jump me at every word. Please listen to the end. Of course I don't know what you're going through, but I'm on your side and your brother's. And when I say lucky, I mean it could have been worse.”

 

Yugyeom gave Youngjae a stern face, shutting the other up. Normally Youngjae was the calm itself, but when the circumstances affected his brother, he turned into just the opposite persona.

 

He inhaled and exhaled slowly, before he told the detective to continue.   
  


They found the letter in their mail in the late morning. Usually the postman would only come around in the afternoon, but an apprentice had delivered the mail in the late morning and messed up the time schedule. As they opened the letter and grasped the situation immediately. They mobilized all their forces and the ones of the next districts to drive through the streets and look for something, _anything._ They found his brother only fifteen minutes after the jump.

 

Since it was an abandoned house he jumped off, it could have been way longer until the paramedics would have reached the scene.

 

The detective handed him the letter and immediately Youngjae was greeted with his brother's handwriting. His pale cheeks spilled over with tears, and he needed to lay the letter down for a second before he felt strong enough to face it.

 

_Youngjae,_

 

_I'm so sorry. Your my everything. Don't forget it._

_Tell mom and dad I love them._

 

_I will always love you._

_Jinyoung_

 

 

Two sentences. A fucking couplet. Jinyoung wanted to leave with nothing more than I'm sorry, the master of words was speechless in the end. What ironie. Youngjae read over it again and again and again until his eyes started to burn. Yugyeom next to him looked just as puzzled. The detective had left the room to give them space, but he returned after a few moments with two cacaos in his hand, which he placed in front of them.

 

“Do you have any questions for me?” The detective looked at them expectantly. Youngjae swatted the letter down on the table with power. “Are you kidding me? You call this a letter? Anybody could have written this. Why would he even send a letter to the police station and not to me nor leave it at home for me to find it? Why would he even kill himself, when there was no reason in the first place?” Youngjae hiccuped between his questions, crying in full force again, Yugyeom next to him tried to soothe him, but he was barely able to hold himself together.

 

“Listen,” the detective started slowly, “the ways of people with a broken mind are often hard to understand for people with a healthy one. Whatever your brother thought must have been set the day before his jump, otherwise the letter would not have made its way here. And I know this gives no explanation for all your questions. But people who commit suicide barely give full disclosure of their reasons to their relatives.”

 

Yugyeom drank a sip of his cacao, while Youngjae's stood untouched in front of him. “But detective,” Youngjae began once more. “Why would he say this about our parents? They are dead.” Youngjae looked up at Kang Chunghee with glassy and heartbroken eyes. “He wanted to leave me all alone, when we only have each other?” The boy reached for a tissue from the box placed in the middle of the table.

 

Everything was spiraling down.

 

♦

 

They were allowed to look through Jinyoung's bag, but the detective denied that Jinyoung had carried a phone with him and his brother's clothes had been destroyed as he was rushed to the OR.

 

With the copy of the suicide note and a business card for a therapist, Youngjae and Yugyeom left the police station again after two hours.

 

More questions added to the list than answered.

 

♦

 

Just as they left the building Youngjae's phone started ringing and he recognized the number of the hospital. “Oh no, no, no _please._ ” He slowly lifted the phone to his ear and identified himself in an anxious voice. “Here is Dr. Kim-” Before the woman could say more, Youngjae's pleading voice cut her off. “Don't tell me Dr. Kim. I can't handle if he died and I wasn't even there.” Youngjae was steadily going insane.

 

Yugyeom took the phone out of his hands and talked to the doctor on the other side of the phone. After a while he said his goodbyes and hung up the line. “Youngjae,” two strong arms engulfed him. “Everything looks fine. Jinyoung is strong enough for the next operation. We should head back to the hospital.”

 

They took the next subway to the hospital and as soon as they reached the ward, they were led to Jinyoung's room. Dr. Kim stood in front of it, talking to two men with rapid words. She stopped once she saw Youngjae and waved him and Yugyeom over. The two men next to her were introduced as Jinyoung's surgeons, who then ran the boys through the whole procure of the upcoming operation.

 

Youngjae dropped question here and there to understand every little detail, before the surgeons gave him a moment alone with Yugyeom and his brother.

 

Jinyoung was still at the same spot they left him before. His cheeks looked a little more rosy this time, but the rest was unchanged and Youngjae was scared to send his brother into an other surgery, which was partially life threatening. At that thought Youngjae had to suppress a desperate laugh, as if his brother hadn't been enough into situations, which were doubtlessly perilous.

 

He gave Jinyoung a firm kiss on his forehead and whispered words to him, in hope his brother might realize them. “Don't leave me. Please, you have to live.” A mantra, only broken, when the nurses came with another bed to roll Jinyoung to the surgery department. The two were ushered out of the room and the head nurse told them to sit down in the waiting area for family members.

 

♦

 

The hours seemed to pass heavily, every minute felt like an other stone was added to Youngjae's heart. Yugyeom had given up to his body and dozed off in the blue chair next to Youngjae. He snored lightly, while Youngjae read the letter for the nth time. _Tell mom and dad I love them._

 

It just didn't make any sense and Youngjae couldn't think otherwise but this being a message for him, why else would Jinyoung write that. Their parents were gone years ago. And just as he felt the string forming bridges, his mind seconds away from getting his anticipated answer, the door opened and Dr. Kim looked inside the room.

 

Youngjae was on his two feet in milliseconds, waking Yugyeom in the process. Dr. Kim had a slight smile on her face, when she sat down next to Yugyeom and told them that everything went fine, but Jinyoung's body had been stressed enough and they should come back tomorrow during visiting hours.

 

Youngjae nodded his head stiffly, before he reached for the bag he had brought from Jinyoung's apartment. “Can you put this bag inside his room and there is a picture inside. Can you place it on his nightstand?” With imploring eyes he looked at the doctor. “I have to go, but I will send a nurse over, okay? Mr. Choi, Mr. Kim, these are good news. I know there is still a long way, but today is a win. I'm really confident Jinyoung's body will heal just fine.” She bowed her head, before she was already out of the door.

 

 

After Youngjae had given the bag to a nurse and instructed him to put the picture, he had snatched form Jinyoung's nightstand in his apartment, on his current nightstand, they left the hospital groggily. It was only nine p.m., but Youngjae felt as if he had been run over by a truck, twice.

 

Now he felt empty and lost, all he could do for his brother was done, there was just nothing more where he could go or what he could invest. Just as thought about getting a night's rest, the strands in his brain intertwined themselves and the chaos inside his head cleared up.

 

He stopped right in his tracks. When Jinyoung said he should tell their parents that he loved them, he hadn't meant it in a metaphorical way, it was literal. Youngjae grabbed Yugyeom's elbow and turned him towards himself. A slow inhale, before he looked into the other's eyes.

 

“I know where we need to go.”

 

♦

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, thank you so much for reading, your comments mean a lot and are really appreciated. We authors (at least me) live for feedback.
> 
> I thought about it alot and won't update the tags, because I don't want to spoiler. I will put warnings in front of certain chapters, even though I'm still not sure to what extend I'm gonna spoiler in the warnings. Just so you know, this story is no fluffy romance, it's dark and rated explicit. So beware. 
> 
> All of you have a nice rest week!


	3. Shallow

The moonlight filtered through the green tree leaves casting shadows on worn gray stones as it slowly brightened, lightening up the early night. Remnants of the freshly mown grass was only the smell lingering in the air for curious noses to capture.

 

Huge fir trees surrounded the large green field, shutting it off of the hectic city, creating an own world for those inside.

 

At the setting of the evening only few people were seen on the small paths. The place was a quiet site for comfort and silence, for people to mourn or reconnect with their dead loved ones. Youngjae always hoped to experience this when he came back to the cemetery. But everything he felt was bitterness and emptiness. Especially now where he stood in front of his parents grave, fearing to put another body next to them. If he wasn't so tired, he would probably be crying rivers again just at the thought of Jinyoung in the hospital bed fighting for his life.

 

He had tried to forgive their parents, but he just couldn't, even though they payed for it with their lives Youngjae just couldn't stop resenting them. Objectively Youngjae knew everybody made unwise decisions and most of them were lucky to evade the unspeakable, but some payed the full price. So subjectively Youngjae just couldn't let go of it, not when his and his brother's life became brittle.

 

Every single time he was reminded of the bitter fight with the public authorities, of the scared nights in the orphanage, of being out of money because they were only allowed to have access to their inheritance when they came of age. Until then it had been limited. Life got better once they turned eighteen, but the sorrow stayed.

 

That was the whole reason why Youngjae almost never came to visit the grave by himself, let alone often. He mostly attended it during the death anniversary, but that was it. So, he expected the grave to be gray and grim, but it certainly was a surprise when he saw a big colorful bouquet placed in front of the white, marble tombstone.

 

“I thought you almost never come here?” A question hurting more than he thought it would. “I don't. Must have been Jinyoung, at least then we're not wrong,” Youngjae said in a quiet voice, afraid to disturb the unspoken rule of silence around this place.

 

Yugyeom looked at him expectantly, contemplating every emotion running over Youngjae's face. “Youngjae, why do you think again this is the place to go?” The other looked to his right and then to his left, checking if there was anybody in earshot. Even though he didn't know why he was checking it in the first place. “Don't you think there are just too many weird components?” He fixed his gaze on Yugyeom's face. Yugyeom thought for a while. “I suppose,” the other then answered.

 

They sat down on the graveled pathway, small stones pressing into the bottom side of their thighs. “Let's gather, what we have,” Youngjae said, while pulling out a small notebook. Yugyeom nodded and started to list everything. The suicide attempt, which he guessed shouldn't have just been a try. They were silent at this thought for a minute, before they continued to gather all the clues. The weird lifeless apartment of Jinyoung, the ashes inside the trash can, and the paper under the lamp with the message _Tic Toc_ on it.

 

“Maybe we over analyze everything?” Yugyeom starred straight at the bundle of roses. Youngjae looked up at the sky, supporting his body with his two hands placed behind his back on the ground. He picked up one of the small stones and threw it a little farther away, repeating the process twice before he turned back to his friend. “I thought about this a lot. And I would have probably agreed if it wasn't for the letter Jinyoung sent.”

  
“You just said, we have to go to your parent's grave, but you never explained why,” oh right. He was lost in his own thoughts and Yugyeom had sensed it and left him to brood. “Think about it. First of all why would he send a letter to the police station. There are a endless possible options, but I'm absolutely not sure which one would apply here.” Youngjae had tried to detach himself emotionally, otherwise there was no way for him to endure talking about his brother like this. He needed all his strength to look at this like one of the mystery cases, he loved to solve together with Jinyoung during their summer vacations.

 

“And then there is the letter itself. No explanation, no words for anybody but me and the last sentence was for our dead parents to tell them he loves them. So there is no other place in the world where I could tell them this any better than here I guess.” Slowly he stood up and Yugyeom imitated the movement. When they were both back on their feet, Youngjae turned to Yugyeom again, while he put his notebook inside his pocket of his jeans.

 

“Look, I know this will sound pretty far-fetched, but I don't think Jinyoung wrote this letter.” Yugyeom frowned at his statement. “What do you mean? It was definitely his writing,” Yugyeom answered, voice sounding frustrated. “No, that's not what I mean. I'm just saying, why would he go through the trouble and sent a cryptic message when all he had to do was put his thoughts on paper.”

 

“But that's what I'm talking about. Maybe we interpreted the note too much, it can also be a possibility, this were supposed to be his last words. Like the detective said, it's impossible for us to understand his chain of thoughts. He wrote tell mom and dad I love them, and maybe that is what it is.” Yugyeom was fidgeting with fingers, intertwining them and letting go again.

 

“Perhaps,” Youngjae agreed to some points of the other's speech. “But, I will only accept it, when we searched the grave.”  


Yugyeom was a little scared to touch any parts of the grave until Youngjae assured him, that they were alone on the cemetery, it was already ten in the evening. The few visitors, which had been there when they arrived, were all gone by now. Youngjae went around the grave looking for freshly turned soil and after a while of observing Yugyeom did the same. “Isn't this against the law?” Yugyeom asked in a hushed whisper, the fear of doing something illegal led him to turn his voice down.

 

“I don't think so, we are no tomb raiders, nor are we really vandalizing anything and it's my parents grave to top it. So I think we are on the safe side,” Youngjae answered. He lifted the flower bouquet out of the vase to look inside the bundle, but there wasn't any inconsistency. They searched for half an hour, turning every stone and every shallow part of the soil, but there was nothing to be found.

 

With each minute they were left without any findings, Youngjae's courage sank and he steadily tried to wrap his head around the fact, that his brother was indeed mentally so broken that he willingly would leave Youngjae alone and take himself away, with half of Youngjae's heart. He sighed, trying to suppress the urge to cry uncontrollably.

 

“I guess that's it,” Youngjae said leaving the small land to return to the pathway, Yugyeom on his tracks. Suddenly he heard a hiss and looked over his shoulder. Yugyeom had nudged the vase to fall over. With quick motions Yugyeom grabbed the vase to stop the water from flowing out. “Youngjae,” he said, while picking up a small plastic bag, which fell out together with the flowers.

  
Like a starved animal finally being fed Youngjae lunched forward and snatched the plastic out of Yugyeom's hands. Hastily he opened it and pulled out a paper, laughing in relieve, even though the situation was everything else but comical. “Oh gosh, I was right.” Tears broke out of his eyes and the laughing gradually turned into sobs, almost hysterically.

 

Yugyeom placed the flowers back into the vase and instantly went to his friend's side, to wrap him into a tight hug. “Shh, you were right. And I'm glad you are, but you need to calm down, so we can read what's on the paper.” After a few more moments, where Youngjae tried to force his composure, they opened the note which was inside the plastic bag.

 

_My dearest Youngjae,_

 

_I can't imagine what you are going through right now._

_But please live your life like you planned it. Me being gone shouldn't hinder you from achieving your dreams._

 

_This is not your fault Youngjae, there were no signs for you to witness. This is my choice, there was no saving. I know you will look at this from every perspective, but just leave it, there is nothing more to it. I beg you._

 

_My only wishes in life were to be a good brother, to protect the people dear to me and be loved. I failed at being a good brother by leaving you alone, but I hope that I always protected you and I hope that will still apply when I'm gone. And for the last part, know that you, Yugyeom and Mark made me feel so utterly loved. Even if only for a short while and even though mom and dad were gone, I was so undeniably happy._

 

_Yugyeomie, I love you even if you are the most annoying person on earth. You will be a great dancer, I know it for sure. If you don't make it as a big shot, I'm gonna kick your ass. And you remember what I told you that night at the bridge, now is the time._

 

_Youngjae, if you could do me a last favor and tell Mark how much I love him. He may won't want to see you, but tell him it was all a lie. I never meant to hurt him and tell him I'm so sorry. He was the love of my life._

 

_Don't be confused that I sent a short version to the police, but I didn't want more people involved in this mess and be questioned by the police. I knew you would be smart enough to understand the message._

 

_Youngjae I love you so much, you have no idea what I'd do for you._

_Always keep in mind how much you're loved._

 

_For the last time._

 

_Yours_

_Jinyoung_

 

 

Youngjae had to take three breaks while he read through the letter unable to hold back the tears and his deep, long cries. This was it. There wasn't anything else. Jinyoung wanted to go. So maybe Yugyeom had been right after all and the weird circumstances were nothing unusual, until Youngjae turned them into it?

 

He was on his knees, letter sunken to the ground, while he sobbed breathlessly into his forearm. His body felt absolutely numb, unable to receive anything from the outside, he didn't even hear Yugyeom next to him crying just as loudly. Youngjae's whole body was shaking and he wanted nothing more but the outright hurt to stop, but it wouldn't. It would never.

 

What pain has his brother been through without them noticing? And there was no conspiracy behind this, giving Youngjae the brief feeling of salvaging what was left, no like Jinyoung said. There was no saving. So what would his brother do, when he woke up? Jinyoung would be more broken than before and Youngjae had no idea how to make his brother, who clung only tenuously to life, want to live again.

 

In silence the two still remained at the grave for another while, crying to themselves before they returned to their dorm room.

 

♠

 

As soon as the sun broke through the cloud cover the next day, Youngjae was already phoning the nurse station asking about his brother's condition and the possibility to visit him.

 

Since the case of Jinyoung had so called 'special' circumstances, Youngjae was allowed to visit outside of the normal visiting hours, but only alone. Yugyeom was able to join him for the normal ones. Until then he spent his day reciting childhood stories to Jinyoung, who was mostly stable now. About the one time they went kiteflying at the beach. It were only 10 degrees warm and the wind was sharp – tousling their hair. At that time Youngjae was still taller than Jinyoung, of course letting his “older” brother feel it every second. So he insisted on flying the kite first, because height before age and Jinyoung was kind enough to just accept it.

 

The blue kite flew pretty nicely because of the strong breeze, but at some point Youngjae was unable to control it and the cord slipped through his fingers. It was high tide and the kite landed flatly on the water surface, soaking completely. Youngjae was about to jump into the water and get it back, when Jinyoung's arms circled around his waist and hindered him. And even though Youngjae was taller, Jinyoung was his big brother protecting him, holding him tightly stating that the flood was too intense for Youngjae to stand a chance.

 

Youngjae had cried a lot, when he saw the kite drift into the open sea before it was swallowed by a huge wave. He only stopped crying as Jinyoung declared that they could always buy a new kite, but they could never buy a new Youngjae.

 

The story was still deeply rooted inside his heart.

 

♠

 

As Monday arrived Youngjae's whole being felt detached during another trip to Jinyoung's apartment. He had to gather some papers for the university to talk about the options of Jinyoung's enrollment since he didn't know how and if Jinyoung would recover. There was also the fact that he couldn't possibly pay for the tuition fee alone and he didn't have any excess to Jinyoung's bank account.

 

Youngjae was lucky enough that he was still allowed to have absences, since he normalyl shined with almost perfect attendance. The apartment was exactly in the same state how they left it – meager and cold. He went straight to the bedroom and looked through the different papers in Jinyoung's university binder.

 

After he grabbed a few papers, he wanted to take Jinyoung's student's ID only to remember that it was probably still at the police station inside Jinyoung's wallet. The university would understand it given his situation. Carefully he placed the binder back on the shelf.

 

The drive with the subway wasn't long. So after twenty more minutes he was on the border of Jinyoung's campus. When they had begun to study, they visited each other's campuses often, so Youngjae still knew Jinyoung's building was far off the campus and had his own administration.

 

Just as he walked inside the building a body heavily bumped into him. Furiously the person turned Youngjae's way and opened his mouth to say something, when the boy froze. Youngjae just stood still as he immediately realized who the person in front of him was. Time stopped for a moment and they held a strong gaze. The other person's face was littered in surprise and raw emotions flickered through his chocolate brown eyes. “Hey,” Youngjae tried an attempt to smile, but the other's face closed off in an instant and Youngjae wasn't even sure anymore if there was ever anything else than the indifference looking at him right now.

 

The boy he had met in the hospital turned around and was gone the next second. Maybe the person felt embarrassment because they had shared an intimate moment and outside of the hospital bubble it was hard to acknowledge it. Youngjae shook his head. This was certainly the last aspect for him to be concerned about.

 

Youngjae headed upstairs to the first floor, where the administration office was.

 

 

There were six different workers tending to the every bureaucratic need of the students, some more some less stressed out. Youngjae had waited in line until it was his turn. The young lady in front of him gave him a cheery smile, which he could only halfheartedly return. “Hello I'm here on the behalf of my brother Choi Jinyoung, faculty number 625-789-214,” he stopped when the worker lifted her hand and started to punch in the numbers into her system.

 

“Ah,” she smiled again. “Does he regret his decision?” She asked in a soft voice. “What do you mean?” Youngjae was rather confused, regret what? “Yeah, he put in the form for his immediate withdrawal last week. He is no longer a student of this university, but don't worry he can always enroll again next semester. Even though he has to participate in another acceptance test. With his grades though, it shouldn't be a problem.” The smile never leaving her face and at this point it freaked Youngjae out more than it soothed him.

 

“So what was your concern regarding Choi Jinyoung?”

 

Jinyoung's plan had been manifested already a week ago and through every single day he had laughed into Youngjae's face, talked to him as if nothing was going to happen and as if he was his usual self. Youngjae felt sick. “Nothing, that has been resolved right now. Thank you for your time.” He got up from the chair in a kind of trance. The office worker wished him a wonderful week and Youngjae considered smacking his face into the next wall.

 

Without any destination Youngjae walked along the corridors, he was about to turn another corner, when he heard two girls giggling, before their voices turned into a lower pitch. He almost wanted to go the way back from where he came, when one girl dropped a name which froze Youngjae's blood right away.

 

“Did you hear? Choi didn't come to university today?”

 

The other girl let out a harsh gasp and Youngjae somehow had it in him to repress his own one, trying hard to climb up his throat. Youngjae pressed against the wall and held his breath. Maybe he heard wrong and maybe it wasn't even about his brother. The name wasn't uncommon and there was probably several people with the same surname in this university. It wasn't even weird that they talked about a person being absent today, if it wasn't for the other girl's dramatic reaction.

 

“ _Is he crazy? That means so much trouble tomorrow. Stupid Choi Jinyoung.”_

 

And then they freaking giggled.

 

Youngjae could ask them then and there, what they meant, but he was paralyzed. All Youngjae did the last few days was trying to uncover a complot forcing his brother to jump of the building. There was a possibility that he hadn't considered before, because he couldn't trace any bit of depression in his brother's behavior, but apparently his brother had worn his mask just perfectly, unable even for Youngjae to read him. Jinyoung had wanted to jump and Youngjae still fought hard to wrap his head around this fact. But there had to be a cause.

 

His brother wasn't just feeling depressed out of nowhere. There had to be an aggressor and Youngjae would make sure to find him.

 

♠

 

“What do you mean?” Yugyeom looked at him bemusedly. “Like I said it. There has to be a reason, maybe you were right and he wanted to end his life. I can't tell anymore. But there are still too many things which don't add up. The stupid _tic toc_ note, the letter to the police, even though he explained it and then the fact that his phone is missing. Yugyeom, have you ever heard of a young adult without a phone in their pocket? No, because there is no such a thing.”

 

Yugyeom turned his back to him. “Youngjae, I think you are right.” Youngjae was just about to put an other argument on the table, when he closed his mouth again. Yugyeom agreed with him? “Yeah?”

 

“You know in the letter, he talked about a conversation we had weeks ago. It was just drunken blubbering or that's what I thought. He asked me to protect you, if he would be gone.” Yugyeom nibbled on his lower lip nervously.

 

“And you tell me that only now?” Youngjae was furious, this meant Jinyoung was already planning everything back then. “I just remembered this morning, when I read the letter again. Also there is something bothering me.”

 

Yugyeom sat down on his writing desk and pulled out the letter again, Youngjae went next to him and looked over his shoulder. “You see, everything looks like a usual goodbye, that's what I thought as well, and yesterday my mind was too clouded to think properly. So I reread it again and again. And I don't know, but I always stop here.”

 

His finger pointed at the small _I beg you._ “Of course it could just be meant as a way to tell you to focus on your life and not waste your energy on his tragic death. But it just doesn't sit right. Especially with the conversation we had at the bridge. I think there is more to it.” Youngjae nodded and told Yugyeom what he heard from eavesdropping on the girls. “There had to be anyone or anything which triggered those events, and I will sure as hell to find out what it was.”

 

“Youngjae, you're insane. How do you even want to do that?” Yugyeom massaged his temples.

 

“Are you still friends with this boy? What's his name again, Bumbum?”

♠

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, any thoughts on the process? Let me know :)  
> Also anybody an idea about the boy Youngjae bumped into? 
> 
> I didn't expect so nice responses. Thanks a lot guys!  
> It is a real challenge to write this genre, so all your words are becoming my strength. ^.^  
> Have a great week!


	4. Winded

 

The air was filled with the nasty smell of urine and something Youngjae couldn't quite define. He crunched up his nose in disgust, as he was thrown back to one of the foster homes he and Jinyoung had to live in after the death of their parents. The paint on the walls barely noticeable, as it crumbled off; some fallen to the ground, some untraceable.

 

“Are you sure he lives here?” Youngjae looked around, taking in his surroundings uncomfortably, but still more relaxed than Yugyeom, who fidgeted as soon as something moved around them. They had met a few strange figures, crouched down in front of the buildings, or between cars with cigarettes hanging off their chapped lips. Mostly they had ignored the looks that were sent their way, but Yugyeom almost sprinted between the worn down buildings until he came to a halt in front of a shabby, yellow one with a blue stripe at the side. “This must be it.”

 

Yugyeom's eyes were fast, zooming in on the door bell sign looking for a name, but never finding the one he searched for. “How do you even know he lives here? Seriously Yugyeom, this is worse than any foster care I've stayed in. I have the feeling of being mugged any second.” Youngjae looked at the hectic motion of Yugyeom's head as it jerked around to check if any criminal was close.

 

“I only know because he mentioned it once, when we were drunk. You know last year when we won that competition, but I don't have his number to call him, so I'm not sure if he changed addresses or not. I wanted to check on him anyway, since he missed the last two weeks of training. But I didn't want to embarrass him. After the talk, he didn't speak about it again and I didn't want to make it awkward.” Yugyeom ended his tirade just in time, for the door to be opened by one of the inhabitants.

 

The two used their chance to slip inside, the woman who just exited eyed them weirdly. And if the outside had been bad, the inside of the building was even worse. Whitening graffiti characters were all over the walls and the cheap brown doors, dirt on every single step and the elevator out of order. A wonder an elevator was even present at all. “So I assume you don't know the apartment number?” Youngjae questioned, and Yugyeom shook his had for an answer. “Well then we have to ask.” They rang the bells of the first three apartments, without anybody responding. The forth door was thrown shut as soon as Youngjae and Yugyeom were revealed behind it.

 

On the fifth door a familiar face came into view, who immediately wanted to shut the door again, but Yugyeom was faster. “Bambam, please.” The boy on the other side pressed harder. “Go home Yugyeom, how do you even know this place?” Yugyeom squeezed his foot inside the door case. “Bambam please we need your help.” And with that the force of the door lessened until only Bambam's head looked around the corner of the door. “Wait a moment please,” sounded and a peek of a man on the floor sniffing in a white powder of a table was all they saw, before the door shut close again.

 

♥

 

Dubious sounds came muffled through the thin door. They waited around forty minutes, already giving up hope that Bambam will reveal himself again, when the door was ripped open and a man, presumingly the one from the floor appeared in the their view. “Oh your next costumers are already here? You waist no time, Mook,” the filthy male laughed throatily. “Don't be shy, come here and say goodbye to daddy.” With his eyes cast down and wobbly feet the thin boy showed again, being pulled in by the man for a deep forced kiss. “Have fun with this whore, but be gentle, I may have powered him out a little. See you in a few Mook,” was all he said with a last slap to Bambam's small bottom, which painted a painful expression on the younger boy's face.

 

Youngjae only knew the boy from narrations and from the competitions Jinyoung and him had watched over the years Yugyeom danced. But nothing more than small talk. Being in on probably the boy's biggest secret made Youngjae feel uneasy, even though he was about to tell an almost stranger his own one. He didn't want the boy to feel this exposed.

 

“Come in,” the quirky cheerful guy Youngjae had seen on stage had vanished completely, and Bambam had never seemed so young. Youngjae wondered what Yugyeom was feeling right now, if he knew about this aspect of Bambam's life, but giving his reaction, he didn't. Youngjae moved inside the apartment carefully, trying not to eye the short skirt and lace shirt enveloping the small frame of the tall boy. “Do you mind,” Bambam asked quietly, “if I shortly take a shower?” Bambam not once had eyed Yugyeom, who was still frozen on the threshold of the door. “No of course not go ahead, take your time.” Youngjae nodded his head, looking back at the blushing Yugyeom.

 

As soon as he heard the water running, Youngjae went back to pull Yugyeom in and closed the door. “Don't react like this, you're not making it better.” Yugyeom seemingly unaware of his actions, had the decency to mumble a quick _sorry._

 

They stood in silence in the small living room waiting for Bambam to emerge from the bathroom. The water was turned off and only a few minutes later Bambam stepped outside in only a towel around his waist, nothing to hide the dark bruises littered all over his skin, making Youngjae and Yugyeom look away instantly. He walked over to his bedroom and after a while he came back fully dressed and with thick rimmed glasses hanging on his nose.

 

“So how can I help you?” Bambam asked looking at Youngjae. “Are we really pretending the last hour didn't happen where you, I assume, got fucked for money and did drugs on your couch table, are you for real Bambam?” The face of the younger fell as soon as Yugyeom's harsh words were out, he pulled his bottom lip harshly between his teeth, nervously nibbling on it. The first since after the door had opened again, the two shared a look with each other. “Sorry,” Yugyeom said as soon as he saw the other's behavior changing. “No, you're right, except I don't do drugs. My costumers may bring them, but I will never try under any circumstances.” Bambam hugged his arms closely around himself.

 

“Do you maybe want a moment alone to talk about this?” Youngjae had a feeling this ran deeper than what the surface let on, but both parties shook their head. “Okay, I don't know if you remember me,” Youngjae started only to be interrupted by Bambam. “You're one of the twins, Youngjae right? Yugyeom talks about you all the time, and we have met a couple of times, so yeah.” Bambam said with a shy smile. But at the words twins, Youngjae's stomach churned, sadness flooded him as soon as he thought about Jinyoung. He tried to bring his feelings under control, he had no time for them now. Jinyoung would be fine, he had to be. So he just nodded in response.

 

“Can we sit down somewhere? This is a rather long story.” Bambam guided them to his bedroom, since the living room was still used from before. There he motioned for them to sit down on the bed, while Bambam took a seat in front of the writing table, with two big, impressive monitors squished next to each other. “Okay, where do I start,” Youngjae thought out load. “A few days ago my brother tried to kill himself.”

 

Youngjae started to explain every little detail they found out, everything that matched the story Jinyoung had tried to picture, and everything that did not match. Bambam listened attentively, throwing in questions here and there, but in a collected and observing way, which implied this story wasn't the worst Bambam had ever heard or seen and with the lifestyle the boy had, Youngjae didn't wonder about it.

 

“And what exactly is your request for me?” Youngjae looked to Yugyeom and the other gave a small nod. “I know you are a hacker.” Eyes darted to Yugyeom with betrayal and hurt flickering through it. “You promised you wouldn't tell anybody.” Youngjae stood up from the bed. “I think you two should talk it out, Bambam do you have coffee?” The boy nodded. “While I make coffee.”

 

♥

 

“Bambam, how can you hold back such a part of your life?” Yugyeom looked at the other utterly disappointed, but Bambam shot right back. “How can you tell Youngjae my biggest secret? You swore Yugyeom! Anyway I don't do hacking anymore.” Yugyeom laughed bitterly. “Right now you found a new hobby.” Bambam stood up, coming closer to Yugyeom. “Don't be so mean. I don't have a choice. I need to pay my loan off from school, my bills and most importantly my family, so they can have a better life.” Bambam's voice got louder, the more he spoke. “And you're miserable, why didn't you ask for help? I'm your friend, aren't I?” Yugyeom smiled timidly at him.

 

“Friends don't go around and tell secrets like that, I trusted you.” Bambam sighed. “I'm sorry, Bam. If it's worth anything, I only told Youngjae, not even Jinyoung knows.”

 

“Why did you tell him in the first place?” Yugyeom was caught in the headlights, the other looked to the side. “Because.” Before Bambam could say more, Youngjae returned back to the room with three cups of steaming coffee, handing one to each of them. “Bambam, I know Yugyeom betrayed your trust. But I really found out because I cornered him and he is weak.” Through his glasses Bambam eyed the other two cautiously. “Yeah, he really is,” was all he said, making Yugyeom yelp. “So what is your request, but like I said, I don't do hacking anymore.”

 

“Well, okay, I want to get into the university my brother was in. The same courses he was in, with a new identity. Can you help me with this or not? He is my only family, I would do anything for him. Please Bambam I don't know anybody else who could help us with this. I don't know anywhere else to turn to. The police won't investigate, it is a closed case for them. But I just feel it, that Jinyoung wouldn't do this to me-” “Okay, okay, I'll help you.” Bambam said, stopping Youngjae's plea. “But I need some time for preparation and we need to change your appearance.”

 

♥

 

Bambam had advised Yugyeom to buy certain things from the drug store around the corner, so left in the room were only Youngjae and the younger one. “Ehm even though I'm really thankful for your support, why again would you help me?” Youngjae had just gotten off the phone with the hospital, Jinyoung's status was still unchanged. But the doctor said as long as he was stable for the next days, it was a good sign, so Youngjae was hopeful.

 

Fast fingers were flying over the keyboard of the computer. “I understand you. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for my family. I originally came here to study, but then my mom got ill and now my three younger siblings need to take care of my mom and the only way I can help is to send money and prostitution doesn't make the worst money, especially since I have a lot of regulars, I feel a lot safer nowadays.”

 

Youngjae gulped at the prospect of the life Bambam was living for a while now. “How much money do you need to send home in a months?” Youngjae asked, hoping not to pry too much. “Around 500.000 won.” The blonde haired boy couldn't believe his ears. “That's an awful lot. Why don't you just take the money from a rich dude's bank account? I'm sure they wouldn't notice. I mean with your hacking skill.” Bambam looked at him, sorrow in his eyes.

 

“I used to believe the same. But I did it once. I took a not too high, but still high enough amount from some family's account. They had more than they could ever spent, but apparently the man thought the woman spent it for herself. They still had some bullshit oldschool system, where he gave her spending money. A whole lot of drama happened and they ended up in a divorce, maybe better for them, but definitely not for their four kids, who were not allowed to see their mom until they were legally off age. I ruined a family and four kids' life. I got burned once and never wanted to do it again.” Youngjae wanted to tell him, it wasn't his fault, the family was bound to destroy itself.

 

But Yugyeom stormed through the door. “Okay I have everything. Youngjae, are you sure? Jinyoung said to let it go.” Once more Yugyeom hoped his best friend would stop it, but Youngjae only took the bag out of Yugyeom's hands and went to the bathroom, with the words “I have to”.

 

After a while Bambam came to bathroom and helped Youngjae with the dye. Going from his former blonde to a pitch black. They changed his hairstyle, instead his normal out of face hairstyle, the hair was combed almost over his eyes. His eyes, which were usually a dark chocolate brown, changed to a light chestnut tone due to the colored contacts Yugyeom had bought. And one of Bambam's thick rimmed glasses was put right on his nose. “I'm no make up artist, but I'll show you how to change certain structures of your face with simple strokes of a brush okay?” Youngjae nodded, while he held his hands in place not to scratch scalp, which was itching terribly because of the dye in his hair.

 

After his full make over was done, Youngjae looked like a mix of Youngjae and a person he had never seen before. “This will most definitely work. I don't think anybody could even notice who you are.” Bambam took out a camera and positioned Youngjae against his wall, before he pulled out a white background and place it behind Youngjae.

 

When Bambam got the pictures he needed out of Youngjae he got to work, with a flabbergasted Yugyeom standing behind him watching every move he made on the huge screens. “Will you come back to practice soon?” Yugyeom asked quietly into the room, but he never got an answer, as the other was busy focusing on the task at hand. Another two hours went by, before Bambam turned around again and looked at the other two.

 

“Okay, there shouldn't be a problem. Go to the administration office tomorrow and pick up your documents, everything is in their system. Your story if anybody asks is, that your last university didn't bring out your full potential and you read about the other university to do so okay? Keep it clean, keep it simple. Don't tell more than asked, don't say anything if nobody cares okay?”

 

Youngjae nodded. “Okay, give me your phone I'll put in my number if you need any help. You can always reach me okay?” Yugyeom's eyes threatened to fall out at that exchange. “You always told me, you can't afford a phone.” “And you believed that?” Bambam looked at Yugyeom incredulous. “Seems like you're really damn good at lying, Bambam. Did I ever mean anything to you?” With those words Yugyeom left the room, not seeing the hurt expression shadowing Bambam's face.

 

“It feels wrong to leave just like this, you helped me so much. Do you want to get payed for it?” Youngjae asked, but Bambam only waved it off. “No, you're Yugyeom's best friend plus I like you. So see it as an early friendship service.” Youngjae shared a friendly smile with the other.

 

“Okay, can I offer you an early friendship service as well?” Youngjae waited for Bambam to agree. “I have a small flat and I will take on my brother's job as long as he can't, so if you ever feel like you want to escape this hell house, you can live with me. It's small and we would have to share a lot, but you can live rent free and get a bar-tending job just like me. They pay extra at night and when you can speak English. And you could save that money and send it to your family.” Bambam looked at him with big eyes, before his gaze went hard again, drained of all emotions.

 

“Thank you, but I don't need saving.” Youngjae nodded his head. “I never said you did. I will send you a text, so you have my number in any case as well. It was nice to meet you Bambam.” Bambam returned the words, before he gave Youngjae a bag filled with the utensils he needed to turn into a different person.

 

Youngjae waved at Bambam once more before he and Yugyeom left the neighborhood behind them.

 

♥

 

Youngjae saw the gloomy features on Yugyeom's face during their train ride back. “Do you want to talk about what happened between you two?” But Yugyeom negated the question with a shake of his head, so Youngjae dropped the topic for a different time.

 

♥

 

It was Wednesday morning, where Youngjae's heart beat faster and faster the closer he got to the office to gather his documents and new belongings. He opened the door quietly and waited in line, until it was his turn. He handed the worker the fake dropout document, holding his breath when the worker walked away, only exhaling when she returned with his new student's ID, schedule and documents he had to keep. The office worker explained him the way to his new class, his locker number and combination, before she wished him a wonderful day and Youngjae realized that everything they planned worked out. He quickly sent Bambam and Yugyeom a text about their success, before he readjusted his glasses and made his way to the auditorium on the third floor, where his first lecture of the day took place.

 

Youngjae breathed in once, twice, thrice, then he opened the door to his first class of the day. Twenty different pairs of eyes were staring at him with expressions varying from curiosity to indifference. The professor apparently about to start the course, waited until Youngjae moved to his desk and gave him a paper which explained his mid semester transfer.

 

The professor scanned over the paper with quick eye motions and then view Youngjae. “Well then. Welcome. Take a seat wherever you like Mr. Park.” Youngjae nodded with a half smile and sat down at the end of the room to take in as much as he could of his surroundings.

 

He would definitely find out whoever did this to his brother, and would make sure to make them pay for it.

 

♥

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I took so long :/ But I hope you still enjoyed the chapter. The plot will develop more next chapter, so bear with me !   
> Like I said before I won't warn in the beginnings to not take away the story, but please beware, that anything could happen. 
> 
> If anybody wants to scream at me about whatever, I have a [twitter](https://twitter.com/FreeSpiritWH) :3
> 
> Oh yeah and if any of you goes to Korea, make sure to visit Everland and the horror maze. It is really authentic.   
> All of you have a nice rest week!


End file.
